Personally, I don't want this blog to be about my personal thoughts and feelings because I feel like that the point of this would be a cry of attention and I don't want that. But at the same time, I feel like this is a safe place where I can express my thoughts and feelings without people judging me. I realize that nobody really even reads this blog so why not?
Lately, I've been trying to change myself for the better. I look back into the person I used to be and I don't like him. I had no sense of responsibility, whether it was towards my family, or my relationship or even my own future. I also had no sense of consequences and thought that everything would work itself out in the end, but it didn't. I lost the trust of a lot of people around me because of that. I depended too much on other people to do things for myself, when I was the one who should be doing things for myself. Whenever something went wrong, I always went to other people to whine and complain about things, instead of changing things so they wouldn't happen again.
And recently, I've been trying to be more responsible towards myself. Working everyday, as well as doing everything I can to take care of my family. My family is sort of a broken home, which means that I should be doing everything I can to support them. I've been trying to catch up on all the schoolwork I've missed recently and been doing assignments and studying everyday when I get off work. Even this blog is kind of a way of changing myself because I've been so embarrassed to really open up before, that I never really told anyone how I feel.
But... with this new responsibility to myself comes a lot of pressure. Working every single day is hard at times, and even worse when I have to wake up early in the morning to transit for an hour and a half. And sometimes, things don't really go my way. I had planned out my courses well ahead of time and come registration time, almost half my courses had to be waitlisted because other people had earlier start times. And there's an endless amount of schoolwork to be done and caught up on. On top of that, all the chores and commitments to my family really do take its toll on me.
And that's how I know that the old "me" was so terrible. The fact that I've never felt this much pressure before means that I didn't have a handle on my responsibilities or things that I should have done. I think back to the things I used to do, like sit around and play video games all the time, as well as not care about simple things like cleaning my own room, and I realized that the person I used to be was good for nobody. I always thought that I was very mature because I had to endure things that happened in the past with my family, but I never really realized that as much as I thought that made me a better person, it didn't.
So I'm learning to let go of some things about me. I'm learning to let go of my dependence on other people for my happiness, and my dependence on the thought that I don't have to do anything for things to work out. Because things will only become better once I work on it. These things take time, and I try every day to be the best person I can be. And I know I can't take back some of the things I've done, but I know that if I truly can be different, I can make up for it.
And even though apologizes don't mean much after you've done something, I'd still like to, because I really do care about the people I've hurt. I'm sorry to my family for disappointing them when they needed me this whole time. I'm sorry to my friend that I've gone on and on to my problems with, but didn't consider that he was going through the same thing and felt crappy as a result. I'm sorry to all the people I've made commitments to, and never went through with them.
But I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to work as hard as I can in my job. I'm going to study hard and get good grades for the first time in a long while. I'm going to appreciate my friends and hold them dear to me. I'm going to go through with the commitment I made to my school club, and be a good leader to them. I'm going to strengthen the bonds with my family and make sure I appreciate the time left I have with them. I can stop smoking so much, and have a healthier lifestyle. And once I learn to appreciate the opportunities and things that I have been given to me, I know that I can become a better person.
And hopefully, the next time I blog about my feelings, I can blog about how fulfilled I am to have made this decision to change myself. If someone really does see this, then sorry for the long rant haha. But seeing as how a bunch of Canadians, a few Americans, and strangely, some Serbians only happen on my blog, then I'll just pretend this is my own personal diary. I'll be sure to update all you guys with some new events soon, I might be checking out a local Greek festival happening in my town as well as many some more adventuring in Toronto if I have the time. Bye for now, and wish me luck.
EDIT: This post is kinda like "my mischievous escape" HAHAH GET IT? Ok good night.
